Top 5 Army Jokes Of All Time


The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.” George Orwell

Every once in awhile, we like to just get non-serious. What better way to do so then with jokes?

I decided to go through joke archives to find what I believe to be the top 5 Army jokes of all time.

Again, this is just my opinion and maybe you know some better jokes… Army jokes!

So at the end of this post, I challenge you to make us laugh. Tell us your best Army joke. But before you do, read my top 5 Army jokes of all time.

Army Jokes #1: Guard Duty

A hot and balmy night, Private Henson had dreaded guard duty.

General Klamm stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private Henson snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night. It was hot and sticky, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued, “You know there’s something about this night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

Army Jokes #2: The Sergeant Major

The old Sergeant Major seems to be really tense and uptight. One night he’s at a military ball and this beautiful young woman comes up to him and says “Sergeant Major, you look so tense. When was the last time you got laid?”

He replied, “I haven’t had sex since 1950.”

The woman was shocked. “1950?” She said, “That’s so long ago! Why don’t you come back here and I’ll help you loosen up?”

So she takes him into this dark back room and he just destroys her. He knows all the angles, all the moves, he rocks her world. Afterward she’s laying on her back panting and she says “Wow, you haven’t forgotten anything since 1950, huh?”

He replies, “I sure as Hell hope not, it’s only 2130 now!”

Army Jokes #3: No Lines

A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away, he turned to the soldier and said: “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied: “Not me, Sarge…no way!

“I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”

Army Jokes #4: Out The Window

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?” The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

  • You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
  • You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Army Jokes #5: This One Is On Chuck

I just can’t help myself because I heard this story about Major Chuck Holmes. It seems…

Major Holmes is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, “why is that camel there?”

The soldier says: “There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges.”

A month later the Major has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: “Is that how the men do it?”

“No sir, they usually ride it to the next village that has women!”

Sorry Chuck… Just Had Too!

I hope all of you had some good laughs today, because I know I am going to pay for that last one… LOL

Now tell us your best joke in the comment section below.

Have a great day.

chuck holmes

Chuck Holmes
Former Army Major (resigned)

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